Cal's Gone Wild

You know, there simply aren't enough syndicated columnists with serious psychoses. I would love to read the weekly opining of a real multiple-personality, or perhaps a bipolar disorder sufferer, but alas, there are none to be found. Fortunately, there is a column written by a paranoid sociopath, thanks to the deranged mind of Cal Thomas.

Cal's most recent episode revolved around something he gets worked up about every other month or so. Cal firmly believes that all Muslims are involved in some shadowy conspiracy to infiltrate the planet through breeding. The entire column can be found here, but I'll provide a few key exceprts to facilitate comment.

"Beginning with the Revolutionary War when British agents and sympathizers attempted to derail independence, there have been people who have tried to infiltrate the United States for the purpose of undermining and destroying it. In modern times, communism and fascism have sent agents among us, but we discovered their plans and defeated them here and abroad.

Now comes what may be the greatest threat: radical Islam, whose "agents" may have established a base more solid and more dangerous than anything we've encountered before. The good news is they speak openly of their intentions. The bad news is that many of us are not taking them seriously."

Okay, now, we can't really hold Cal accountable for diverging a bit from reality. Yes, we all know that "communism" and "fascism" are not nations or organizations that employ agents. Yes, Cal is forgetting that we've discovered agents from democratic nations here as well. But remember, Cal's totally batshit.

Regardless, he's making a pretty serious claim here. I'm assuming I've never been around when the muslims I know break into their "taking over the planet" rhetoric, because if Cal says that Muslims are openly discussing world domination on a large scale, he must have a lot of solid evidence to support the claim.

"Last week at the beginning of the London trial of radical imam Abu Hamza al-Masri, evidence was presented detailing how he encouraged his followers at the Finsbury Park mosque to kill non-Muslims."

One guy, Cal? Just one guy?

"In lectures, recordings and writings, the imam said Adolf Hitler had been sent into the world to punish the Jews. Repeatedly, said the prosecutor, Abu Hamza told his followers they must fight for Allah and such fighting involves a religious mandate to murder Jews, kuffars (nonbelievers in Islam) and 'apostates,' such as leaders of Arab nations like Egypt."

Hmmm... now see, I find this interesting, perhaps especially since I've been forcing myself to suffer through recordings of "Justice Sunday III: Revenge of the Sith" for the last few days. The rhetoric? Not different enough to keep me from being one part embarassed and one part scared shitless about the continuing influence of the Christerbators.

Didn't Pat Robertson just say that God sent a stroke to Ariel Sharon as punishment for his policies on the occupied territories? I mean, if you're a nutbag who presumes to know God's intentions, you can claim that anything bad that happens to anyone you disagree with is "punishment". Conversely, anything bad that happens to yourself or your allies is a "test of faith". It's incredibly convenient, and inarguably crazy, but it's certainly not something unique to this particular imam.

As for the religious war nonsense, it seems to me that while the pseudo-religious right in this country don't draw quite so direct a line, they only employ one degree of seperation. They may not do the killing themselves, but they certainly support the occupation of a Muslim nation that was uninvolved in any direct actions against the United States. Since they believe God is undoubtedly "on our side" in this endeavor, the religious mandate to wage war is still present. Seems to me al-Masri is actually a pretty good example of a Muslim Pat Robertson. Personally, I'm more worried about the power grab being made by Robertson's people, since they're getting Supreme Court Justices on the bench while the radical Muslim bloc has only gotten... ummmmm... hmmmmm... I can't think of anything. Maybe I missed C-SPAN that day.

"[Prosecutor David] Perry said the document's 'execution section' recommends that Islamic agents be sent to any country intended as a target at least 10 years before jihad begins. This was the profile of terrorists depicted in last season's '24' series on Fox. In this fictional story, terrorist cells were established in a middle-class American neighborhood where they remained dormant and appeared peaceful until a signal was given to conduct mayhem."

Yeah, but did you see "Independance Day"? Aliens bent on world domination flew to Earth in giant spaceships and blew up entire cities with laser beams! Now THAT'S something to worry about. Kinda puts terrorist cells into perspective, eh?

Oh wait. A work of fiction doesn't really prove any theories, does it? Dammit, Cal, now you've got ME doing it!

"On one tape, Abu Hamza discusses the killing of tourists in Egypt in November 1997, describing them as satanic. He says the tourist industry should be 'Islamicised' and added that while children should not be deliberately killed, their killing is permitted if they are in the target area. Suicide bombings are 'martyrdom,' he says. They are permitted 'if the only way to hurt the enemies of Islam is by taking your own life.'"

Okay, all sarcasm aside, Cal, you don't have a moral leg to stand on with this argument, and neither does anyone else who supports the way we're carrying out the so-called "War on Terror". The United States just recently fired six missiles at a village in Pakistan on faulty intelligence that claimed al Quaida's number two man was there. The missiles destroyed 3 homes and killed 18 people, most of them women and children. Those children, just as precious as the children al-Masri referred to, were, according to U.S. spokesmen, tragic but unavoidable casualties. The United States command, with the support of millions of God-fearing Christian Americans, believes that 18 innocent casualties, including 5 young children, are "permitted if they are in the target area" of one terrorist leader. You can shove your hypocritical moralizing right up your hairy ass, Cal, because that dog won't hunt, won't fetch, and can barely muster up the energy to shit on the persian rug.

"Among the many problems with this twisted religiosity is that the West does not know how many share it. Instead, political leaders repeat the bromide that Islam is a "peaceful religion" and radicals are trying to hijack it. Are we being infiltrated by people who, on the outside, pretend to be peaceful and tolerant, but inside wish to undermine and overthrow our government?"

Are we being infiltrated by people who, on the outside, pretend to be peaceful and tolerant, but inside wish to undermine and overthrow our government? Yes, Cal, we are, but you know what? They're not Muslim. They're ostensibly Christians, and unlike radical Muslims, there are enough of them in this country to do real, permenant damage. They claim to be peaceful and tolerant, sure, but they want your children to be forced to read the Bible and pray to their God at school, regardless of your religious beliefs. They want the laws of this county to be secondary to their religious tenets, and they want each and every person in this country to be forced to live by those tenets. They want to install political leaders who answer to and take direction from their religious leaders. They want to turn this nation into a theocracy, and they have manipulated millions of underinformed, frightened Americans into helping them. They wish to "undermine and overthrow our government" of religious freedom and democracy for all set up by our founding fathers, and replace it with a puppet government of the radical Christian Right. Think I'm a conspiracy kook? Listen to recordings of "Justice Sunday III". Much like your tell-tale imam, they admit to their goals. When James Dobson asked the crowd if they would fight for Bible instruction in public schools, religious displays in state buildings, the abolition of abortion based on biblical interpretation, persecution of homosexuals, and politicians and judges who would make decisions based on their religious interpretations, the throng of attendees shouted in unison to each question, "YES!"

We have been warned.